Mel Collie | Are you Lost?
Ive been lost, sad, anxious, frustrated..thats all in the last few days, my world has been turned upside down…again..but this time, I have a map and a compass.
I will share with you, why Ive felt all of those emotions, sad being at the top of the list.
My other half, my bloke, just after Christmas gave the usual signals that he was withdrawn, quiet, stuff on his mind..as this has happened twice before in the 8 years we’ve been together, and both times ended the relationship, I knew what was coming.
I was prepared.
I was right.
We split up..again..but this is different this time..because I’m prepared, and I’m aware of how I can manage to prevent pressing the self destruct button. Even though I cant predict the future, or response, and change is happening too fast, which creates threat / stress to the brain.
Lets go back for a second..The reasons for the split are the same as before. He would dearly love to have kids, as his brother has , his sisters have, his friends have, and unfortunately, I cannot have them.
We’ve been over the many ways around this, but come to the same conclusion. We got back together the 2nd time around , as the 6 months split we had, allowed him to realise that being together was more important than children. However, thats now changed, 2 years down the line.
We are just going down different paths, and thats ok, theres no blame, it is what it is.
Theres no shouting, anger, blame, not talking to each other..
Theres just a peace and understanding, which is as it should be, as we are all just beings trying to be happy and be..be just us.
Having studied the brain, how it works, the responses, the reactions, the nervous system, I can see whats going on in my reactions, that Im currently under a lot of change, which means my future safety cannot be predicted.
This is a threat to my brain, its an inability to predict the future. This pushes my threat levels up.
Before, I had no appropriate response to that, I just ate, cried, retreated, self sabotaged.
Anytime you change anything, its a new threat to your brain. The more changes, the more threat is being introduced into your life.
Ive chosen to meet that threat, and meet my new level of myself, my new path and chapter is exciting, and Im looking forward to moving on.
Yes, I do have days when I feel sad, yesterday was one of those, it was overwhelming and there were tears. Today, my threat is still there, but Im using my new tools in my toolbox, from recent study of the brain and response, threats and reactions, and where I am right now.
All threat creates predictable reactions.
The reptilian brain and limbic system work together to create a threat response. It doesnt matter how big the threat is, your brain will react with Fight, Flight, Freeze.
You will want to fight it, telling yourself you cant, wont, (I guess that being called stubborn!) run away or stay feeling stuck, repeating the old patterning thats in your brain.
Understanding how this all works, helps you massively see whats happening, and overcoming self sabotage. Clarity means your map is clearer and you can see the way paved ahead, which resumes safety.
You learn the speed you like to work at with change, which means you learn to be kinder to yourself , being kinder to yourself allows your brain to feel safe, this helps clarity, helps you see the wood for the trees and who you want to be, rather than who you think you should be or supposed to live your life.
Mel Collie x
Feb 8th Workshop on Self Sabotage and how to overcome it starts at 10.30am from my home studio in Portreath.
Would be lovely to see you there and overcome the feelings of shame, self sabotage, understand what happens to the brain when under threat, reducing self judgement and feelings that you are excluded.